Posted by: glorifyhim1 | March 5, 2015

Loss, Peace, and Promise

Loss, Peace, and Promise

 

 

Wednesday, March 4, was the 37th anniversary of our first daughter’s birth – and death. In some ways, it seems so surreal that it has been 37 years. Some of those events seem as fresh as yesterday. In other ways, however, time has helped soften the blow and the gaping hole that consumed me during those early years. But I’ll be honest, the closer I get to heaven, the more I can’t wait to finally meet her. I feel that I have so much to say to her that I really won’t know where to begin. But I surely want to tell her how she changed my life.

 

Because of her I really came to know Jesus. Oh, I knew Him before, but not with the depth, passion, and love with which I know Him today. Her loss was the most painful thing my young life had experienced. And while I didn’t understand, while I didn’t have all the answers, I could feel God’s Presence with me and His assurance that He loved me.

 

Thirty-seven years later, I still don’t understand or have all the answers. Oh, I’ve studied the Scriptures, read commentaries, books, and Bible studies that have debated and tried to answer all the “why” questions. I still don’t have a “perfect” knowledge or understanding, but I have peace. I have peace that the God who formed my daughter also numbered her days. (Job 14:5, Psalm 139:16). I have peace that the God who can do anything chose not to intervene in the events that contributed to her loss. (Jeremiah 32:27, Luke 1:37) I have peace that the ways of this all-knowing (1John 3:20), all-powerful (Jeremiah 32:17,27), just and righteous (Psalm 89:14) God are totally unsearchable (Romans 11:33). And I found that this peace did not come from understanding. Instead, it pretty much found me when I finally came to the place where I just relinquished it all to God, in total surrender, and just said: “God, I trust You. This belongs to You!”

 

One day I hope to tell my daughter that because of her, I sought God with all my heart. I went seeking answers, but instead of answers I found Him. Because of her, I’ve had the privilege and joy of walking my whole life – not with a Sunday morning God – but with a day-by-day, I’ll meet you in the trenches, God. I’ve been the recipient of His love and faithfulness, His mercy and His grace. He’s taught me and convicted me. He’s led me and guided me. And over the years, little by little, He has placed within my own heart a living hope, a deep desire for His kingdom to come on earth as it is in Heaven – when the world will finally be what God created it to be from the very beginning.

 

But as much as I look forward to one day meeting my daughter, I do have one regret. We didn’t give her a name. She is simply known as “our infant daughter.” At the time of her birth, we were told by the funeral directors that normally a stillborn infant was not given a name. Much has changed since that time, but this has bothered me much over the years until God reminded me of a special promise found in Revelation 2:17. “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give some of the hidden manna to eat. And I will give him a white stone, and on the stone a new name written which no one knows except him who receives it.” My daughter will have a name given to her by Jesus, Himself – a name that will reflect her perfectly!

 

Jesus will also give new names to you and me, names that will reflect our unique identities in Christ. I wonder what my new name will be. I think of all the ways my identity is wrapped up in my Savior – I’m forgiven, I’m covered in His blood and righteousness, I’m surrounded with His Presence, I’m hidden in Him! I can’t imagine what it will be like to finally meet my Savior, the One who loved me enough to die for me, the One who has walked with me through the toughest, hardest times of my life, the One who surrounds me with hope and precious promises, the One who is my strength, my song, my salvation (Isaiah 12:2). What joy it will be to receive my new name and to join my precious daughter in singing praises unto Him through all eternity.

 

 

 

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Responses

  1. Kathy, thank you for sharing the depths of your heart. You may not know but we lost four between our two. Ours were miscarriages and not full term. You have been a great influence on my life and I just wanted to say “THANK YOU.” Wish we lived closer and could visit more. Belvin and I miss seeing the Ridgecrest and Glorieta group a lot. We are doing well even though we are getting old. If you are in the Murfreesboro, TN area anytime please let us know you’re going to be in town and we’d love to get together with you. Love and prayers. Barbara

    • Barbara, thank you so much for your encouragement.I’m glad you and Belvin are both doing well. I didn’t know about your miscarriages. I know that had to be so difficult. You both are such wonderful examples of what it looks like to follow Christ! Appreciate your kindness and encouragement more than you know! Love to you both. Kathy


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